Last night. 8/9/2012. You finally answered my prayers. You gave me the why. The why he left. The why my life ended. The why I have been sitting in tortured agony for two years wondering what I did. What I said. Why I wasn’t enough.
Last night, a familiar name popped up on my Facebook. My last name. Tacked onto another woman.
And in the profile picture of the other woman, was the man that gave me my last name. In a suit, next to his blushing bride.
Two years ago he told me I wasn’t enough. When asked if there was someone else, he flatly refused. Yes, he met someone who made him question us, but they were not together.
All fall he talked of moving to California. I found receipts for maps on California on the floor of our car. He spent his vacations there. All the signs pointed to an interest on the other coast. And that’s where she lives.
And though I did the best I could to pick up the pieces and keep going, my mind has been stuck in a former life wondering why the hell I wasn’t enough. Scouring every moment of our marriage to find where and when he stopped loving me. What she has that I don’t.
Last night I spent longer than I care to admit vasciliating between crying jags/hysterical sobbing and complete silence.
And as I read that, the skys opened up and the world cried for me. The bedroom shook and hid the heaving of my chest. I looked at the weather page and saw this, and thought “you bet”.
And then what remained of our shattered family, Ivan, Miah, and little Bear crawled up onto my lap to get away from the pounding of the thunder. And so I cried into their fur and tried to wrap my head around the image on the screen.
I sat at their graves and cried. Begged them to help me find a way to make all of this hurt and pain go away. I didn’t care what they did, but I needed help. And this girl who has struggled with faith and God her whole life put her hands together and prayed harder than anything she has ever done
Dear God. Please help me. I need help and I need an answer.
I just got my answer.
I feel fooled. Lied to. Deceived. Baffled. Confused. Walked on.
I was able to get along with the furniture in my house that was ours, the bed we slept on, the clothes I wore, because before tonight it didn’t feel like a lie. Tonight it feels like I am suffocating from tainted and dirty things that remain from a lie of a marriage and a failure of a man.
Any man that would lie to his family and his wife for his own protection is not a man.
If ever there was a time for a chapter to close, this is it. It is like the re-breaking of a bone that healed in all of the wrong ways. The bone just broke again, but hopefully there is still a chance for me at a clean heal. One that is not riddled with the scar tissue of my past.
It’s sad. I’m sad.
Not the start to the weekend I expected.
And that’s all she wrote.